I haven't blogged in a while, but that doesn't mean that I've just not had anything to say. If anything, it's just the opposite. I've been contemplating whether or not to air this out right now, but I've come to realize that it's just part of my story; part of God's plan for my life and His light needs to be seen.
A year and a half ago I decided to break out on my own and start my own business. God was creating a work in me, and before He could work, He had to get my priorities straight. Jordan and I had decided that our family would come before everything else, especially sense we had made plans to adopt, and adding more numbers to our clan. Something big would have to change in our lives. So, with lots of praying, that's what we did. I quit my job and decided it would be more beneficial to our family to run my own schedule to dedicate more time to my husband and children. I had decided to completely surrender myself to the Lord and told Him that I would wait upon Him and for his instructions to follow His plan. I said that not even thinking of the possibillities or what He had enstore for us.
Not too long after starting up my own business and being pregnant with my second child, I got into a legal battle with my previous employer. For anyone whose ever been involved with a lawsuit, you know the emotional stress, the financial stress, and the depression that comes with it. You have your ups, you have your downs, and in between those two things, you just kind of deal and wait for the next wave of emotion to come. Dealing with issues of forgiveness, and power struggles, and HUGE feelings of guilt while I watched my family being dragged along by this drama I had tied them to. Oh, and I forgot to mention, at the same time, preparing and saving money for our adoption. I thought being in labor with a child was the worst, until I was in labor with a child WHILE emailing my lawyer with legal decisions to try and make deadlines. It's been going on now for a year and a half; the emotional rollercoasters and the uncertainty of not knowing how we're going to keep our head above water the next month, financially. I long for the day when this will soon be over and we can start healing.
I'm grateful for this lawsuit. I know that sounds absolutely crazy, but I believe God put me through all of this to stretch me and mold me into the person He needs me to be to follow out His plan. At first, I had so much anger. Why would God put on my heart that there is a little boy clear across the country that belongs to me and my family, and then turn around and, literally, strip every dime away from us that we've been saving , to go towards something as ridiculous as a lawsuit, that no good will come out of? Where do I go wrong? What can I do to fix this? Will I ever find peace within myself again? And then, I came upon this verse.....
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 10:28
I believe God puts you through trials to cling to Him. To put your trust completely in Him and just love Him-- letting Him take control of the situation. That was a tough one for me. I am a bit of a control freak, and I always said that God was in control, but I always had worked up a "plan B" just in case. He wants to defend me and He wants me to rest in His arms and just love Him while He fights for me. I learned to completely let go. He's teaching me how to love ALL OTHERS like He loves me, to pray for my enemies, and to be broken-hearted for others instead of being angry at them.
But most importantly, He's teaching me that having faith in God is to trust in Him. To believe that when he says He will do something, it WILL be done. He can move mountains! I've learned to fix my eyes on Him and to see the fullness of His love. In learning all of this, I'm proud to be able to worship and praise Him not just in the good times, but most importantly, in the tough times.
"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18
Had no idea, that something so straining in everyway, could lead to all of this. Wow, I follow such an amazing God! One day this will pass and everyone will see His glory through this and our little boy will finally be able to come home to us.
So, here's the adoption update...
We have started filling out TONS and TONS of paperwork, and we are at a halt after this step. We don't feel comfortable continuing until this lawsuit is over with, because of the financial issues. We have no idea how long it will take for the lawsuit to be over with, and how many more lawyer/court bills we will get in the mail. His timing is perfect and we will wait upon Him to make our next move.
We would definetely love everyone's prayers in this matter. We were made to live in community with one another, so we can't do this alone. We need as much support as possible. We have a court date (so far) set for the morning of September 8 regarding the lawsuit. PLEASE PRAY for the judges and all the people in our situation and keep praying for our little boy to come home to us all in God's timing.
All the way my Savior leads me, who have I to ask beside.
How could I doubt his tender mercy, who through life has been my guide.
All the way my Savior leads me, cheers each winding path I tread.
Gives me grace for every triumph, feeds me with the living bread.
You lead me, and keep me from falling.
You carry me close to your heart.
And surely your goodness and mercy will follow me.
All the way my Savior leads me, oh the fullness of His love.
Oh the sureness of His promise, in the triumph of His blood.
and when my spirit clothed immortal, wings it's flight to realms of dead,
this is my song through endless ages, Jesus led me all the way.
-Chris Tomlin "All the Way My Savior Leads Me"