So, here's the adoption update this month: we're waiting.
Do you want the real update? The real stuff. The everyday ins and outs of this waiting game. Often, I say that every day is a day closer to bringing our son home. While, quite literally, everyday is another day closer, the truth of that statement is that every day God has been breaking us down and building us up to transform us into the people that we need to be to handle life with an internationally adopted child. The waiting part hasn't been as difficult as the trying to shake the fear of the unknown as to how life is going to be after we get him here.
From the beginning of this journey I knew that God called our family to adoption, and I honestly thought that, that would be enough to sustain us through this journey. So, we very blindly jumped in with both feet. Thank goodness it started out this way, because if I would have known the fears, the darkness, and the weaknesses that God was going to expose to me during this time, I probably would have done a quick sprint while screaming and crying in the opposite direction. I get it. He must break us down and expose the nasty stuff in our lives to be able to transform us into who we need to be.
I want to be very transparent with you right now, and not in a sense of airing out my dirty laundry or venting to my internet audience to get sympathy, but in hopes that God will expose some of these truths in your own life, to allow you to grow in him in the particular journey he has decided to send you on. Seeing the holes in my marriage, the ugliness that comes out of me as a parent at times, and seeing my weaknesses of making choices between obeying God or following the ways of the world has created a fear and a sense of shame in me. A fear that at times, makes me question if I am ready for all of this. I've always known that the yucky stuff was there, but I've been too proud, too ashamed, or too scared to admit it. I was scared of people's perception of me if they saw my weaknesses instead of my strengths. I was ashamed of all of it. Ashamed that I actually had ugliness in my heart where I was supposed to be overflowing with God's love and joy. I always told myself that because adoption is such a controversial topic that I had to be on top of it. I felt that everyone was looking, and I had to look like the perfect parent, perfect spouse, and perfect human being or else I would be deemed as not good enough to take in an orphaned child.
I was talking to a friend that other day about all of the struggles that I have been going through recently, and it took her asking me, "Do you think with all of this stuff going on, it's a good idea to bring a new child into your life?" to WAKE UP. At first I was a tad bit on the defense and tried to water down everything I had been saying. "my problems aren't really that bad. I'm just overreacting." and then I stopped and thought, "Who ever told me to be ashamed?" I'm not perfect and yes I have a lot of ugliness like everyone else. I don't have to be held back or chained down by all of my ugly stuff, because he releases me from it. He takes our ugliness and out of the ashes we rise. He sets us free to live. Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.O But the most redeeming part of it all, is that he loves us anyway and he can still use a broken person like me to show His love and His glory and his message. That's actually the point to his message.
"Praise be to the Lord, to God our savior, who DAILY bears our burdens." Psalm 68:19
"the Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, o Lord, endures forever-do not abandon the works of your hands." Psalm 138:8
He breaks us down and He exposes all of it,so that we can be the people he created us to be. I don't know what that person looks like at the end of this journey, but I trust and know that God does. It's all about the endgame, and praise God that He has ALWAYS known what the endgame was since the beginning, because I haven't a clue. If God revealed to us the outcomes of our situations at the beginning then we wouldn't need that comforter in times of troubles, or that truth when the world is telling us lies, or a sustainer to hold us over when we feel defeated or ashamed or unworthy. It's All about him. In him, I must put my trust, my hope, my fears, my worries, my victories, my life. Not only does he put up with me and all my junk, but he wants to hold onto it for me so that I am able to keep going, and living out his mission that he has laid out for me.
"Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years the land he swore to give your fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob."
And, if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us. And if our God is with us, then who can stand against us.