Friday, March 9, 2012

I love being a sheep.

It's been 12 months since we sent our paperwork to Ethiopia. Every month of waiting has been a little different. As each month goes by, I not only feel more confident in my ability to be an adoptive mother, but the more my heart beats for the orphans in the world, and what, we as a people can simply do to reach out to them.

There has been no phone call, YET, from our agency. We are still waiting, hoping we are close to the top of the waiting list. I'm afraid that I have hit a wall in our waiting journey. I have grown so weary and it hurts to wait now. Knowing that my little boy is across the world from me, and he doesn't even know that his momma is here under the same sky as him. He doesn't know I am coming for him, and the most painful of all is he has no clue that I love him more than anything in this world. This very thought makes my heart ache. It brings me to tears, knowing that I am powerless in this battle right now to bringing home my son. That there is nothing that I can do right now to bring him home. I will be going along about my day, and then all of a sudden I have this feeling of sadness come over me that I can't be the one right now feeding him, bathing him, rocking him to sleep, bonding with him. It is just another day that we don't get together. I find myself stopping at that very moment, no matter what I am doing and pray that God just makes him feel the depth of my love for him at that very moment and that God gives him this overwhelming sense of hope. And, every time, before I can even say amen, I feel God answering back that, HE pursues ME in the same sense. That when HE sees ME hopeless, He grieves for me to know the depth of HIS love for me as well.

There are always seasons in life, and they come and then they go. No matter how many seasons we go through or whatever season you are in right now, only one thing remains the same, and that is God. The creator of all things, the God that perfectly knit you together in your mother's womb, the sovereign God who created you because He loves you and laid out a plan for your life before you were even a face on this Earth. He knew that you were going to go through the season you are in. And, one of the most beautiful things that I love so much about my God, is that I don't have to come to him so that he can provide comfort, it's  HIM meeting ME where I am in the midst of my suffering.

My opening statement of my prayer, every morning, is proclaiming to God that He is sovereign and that I trust in that. And even though it's hard to believe and I don't understand at times, the place he has brought me to, I trust, that He will reveal to me, in these amazing little details of my life, his loving kindness that, every time, makes me run back into His arms, trusting him and him alone, that He will get me through this season of struggle, once again. HE NEVER LEAVES, no matter what I do or don't do.

I know I am not the only one that is going through stuff right now, so I hope that these words fill you up and encourage you on your own personal journey like they have for me:

"I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from the countries, and I will bring them into their own land... I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak. I will shepherd the flock with justice...You my sheep, the sheep of my pasture, are people, and I am your God, declares the sovereign Lord." 
Ezekiel 34:11-13,16,31

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