"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." Acts 20:24
It's been a day to day battle and constant prayer for God to restore the joy of His salvation in me and renew my spirit. Some days I will be full of hope and joy and stand firm that God is with me in this race. There are days where I feel that nothing is going according to plan, satan is winning and I doubt. I let other people's words crush me and influence me into believing that what we are doing is not "realistic" and not worth it. But the hardest days, are when my heart breaks for my son. I think about him a lot, only wishing that I can reach my arms out to him, hug him, and let him know that we are coming for him NO MATTER WHAT the wait, or what others say, or how much the cost. We will come for him. Playing with my children, having family dinners, reading books for bedtime...I feel like there is constantly a missing piece to our puzzle. It's such an unsettling feeling. A feeling I know will not go away until he is here with his sister, brother, mom, and dad. The thought of having this feeling for at least another year scares me. I have fears that it will start wearing on me or that the majority of my days will become the bad days, where I have doubts and sadness. Every day I am reminded by God that through him, I can have HOPE, and that He will make sure that our journey ends with us telling our waiting son of the hope that God has for him, as well.
I read this passage the other day, and it truly spoke to me and has become my prayer/anthem through this waiting time:
"But as for me, I will always have HOPE, I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure. I will come a proclaim your mighty acts, O sovereign Lord; I will proclaim your righteousness as yours alone. Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come. Your righteousness reaches to the sky, O God, You who have done great things. Who, O God, is like you?" Psalms 71: 14-19
Not only do I want my son to see and feel the glory of God through our journey to him, it's also my prayer that others will see the glory of God through this journey as well, regardless of how bumpy, smooth, exciting, miraculous, heartwrenching, or painful the path may be.
Here is a song from one of the worship leaders of Austin Stone, Aaron Ivey, that I listen to quite often. It helps me get through those bad days. It's a song about his wait for his little boy from Haiti.